The Connection Between People Pleasers and Narcissists
After my divorce, I began figuring out the dynamics between people pleasers and narcissists. My ex husband had been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) through marriage therapy seven years prior to our divorce. I decided to ignore this big piece of information even though it held the key to a lot of the conflict, confusion and misery in our marriage. I blocked it out of my mind because I was raising my children and wanted to keep my family unit in tact. In hindsight, I realize that “in tact” meant we were physically together, but my children were being indoctrinated into a very unhealthy family system.
I also realized that in order to stay in that environment, I had to be very good at pleasing people. Pleasing the narcissist meant less conflict and less perceived oppression; and pleasing my children meant that they didn’t always have to directly experience the consequences of their father’s mandates and reactions.
What Are the Traits of People Pleasers?
Afraid of being rejected or abandoned
Preoccupied about what others think and feel
Fearful of saying no, setting limits, or seeming “mean”
Strong need for the approval of others
Gets into relationships where they give more than they get
Neglectful of their own needs
Burned out trying to take care of others
Doesn’t prioritize their self-respect
Need for control
Perfectionism
How Do You Become a People Pleaser?
This is an important question and one that is wrapped up in our own development as a child. A lack of emotional availability on the part of a parent is a big contributor to a child seeking security in closeness and connection. Even if a child has positive memories about the closeness with a parent, they may have experienced an inconsistency in emotional availability which is very confusing for a child.
A child will track a parent’s mood and check in frequently, striving to make parents proud, quieting their own needs, doing their best to be very, very good and earn their love. And so the practice of people pleasing begins. As the child grows, they become less interested in exploring who they want to be and more interested in learning how others want them to be.
People pleasers also tend to be highly sensitive people who can read a room. They can take the emotional temperature of those around them and try to avoid conflict by being extra helpful and nice. It is a way for them to maintain some control. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
What is the Connection Between People Pleasers and Narcissists?
The people pleaser has had many years to hone their skills in order to secure love, and as they approach intimate relationships, they bring their need for secure closeness and connection with them. A Narcissist targets people who they can control and have power over. To further complicate matters, a people pleaser is so drawn to the love bombing stage that they want to protect the emotional closeness and connection at all costs. So it makes sense that this person will fall prey to a Narcissist. For me, I morphed myself into what my ex wanted me to be. I was nice, I was agreeable, I was a shape shifter. This was my way of securing love.
If you look at the narcissistic abuse cycle, we can see that this is a way to reinforce and heighten the insecurity of a people pleaser. Love Bombing - Devaluing - Hoovering - and finally Discarding (if the target has disrupted the cycle).
Narcissistic Abuse Coaching Can Help
Coaching can help you see how your people pleasing skills are propping up the Narcissist. Please reach out if you want to take the next right step in disrupting the abuse cycle. Follow your longing, not your fear - Glennon Doyle
People Pleasers & NPD: Frequently Asked Questions
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental health condition characterized by excessive self-importance, lack of empathy, a constant need for admiration, and manipulative behaviors.
How can you identify narcissistic abuse in relationships?
Signs of narcissistic abuse include gaslighting, constant criticism, controlling behavior, disrespect, emotional manipulation, financial abuse, and a cycle of love bombing followed by devaluation and discarding.
Why are narcissists attracted to people pleasers?
Narcissists seek people pleasers because they are empathetic, accommodating, and prioritize others' needs over their own. These traits make them ideal targets for manipulation and control.
What are common traits of people pleasers?
Common traits include fear of rejection, difficulty saying no, prioritizing others’ needs, perfectionism, neglecting their own emotional needs, and being hyper-aware of others' feelings.
Why do people become people pleasers?
People-pleasing often originates in childhood due to inconsistent emotional support from parents. Children adapt by becoming overly attentive to caregivers' needs to secure love and approval.
How can I stop being a people pleaser?
Healing begins with setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, practicing assertiveness, acknowledging your own needs, and seeking professional support such as coaching or therapy.
