The Connection between People Pleasers and Narcissists
After my divorce, I did a lot of work figuring out the dynamics between me and my ex husband. My starting point was his diagnosis with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Even though I knew about his diagnosis during my marriage, I blocked it out of my mind. Most likely because I didn’t want to know. I wasn’t ready to face what might come from it because I was raising my children and wanted to keep my family unit in tact. In hindsight, I realize that “in tact” meant we were physically together, but my children were being indoctrinated into a very unhealthy family system.
A big part of my healing was understanding NPD and how it affected me and my children. When I talked out loud about my ex husband’s control and attitudes toward me, I couldn’t believe I allowed such toxicity to grow. There was severe gaslighting, disrespect, devaluing, dismissing, financial and spiritual abuse. And it all went fairly unchecked until it became completely overwhelming to me physically and mentally.
An Aha moment for me was to learn that Narcissists are attracted to people pleasers. Now that I’m out and have gone through so much healing, it seems so obvious now. Of course people pleasers keep accepting whatever is presented to them because they’re trying to meet everyone else’s needs and desires. We work hard to keep the peace, while ignoring what it’s doing to us emotionally and psychologically. We think it’s “self-less”, but who wants less of themselves? Do we really want to model accepting less of ourselves to our children? For me those answers were absolutely no, but it didn’t fully answer why I allowed this toxicity to grow.
Another term for ‘self-less’ is ‘people pleaser’. So what is a people pleaser exactly, how do you become one, and what is the connection to Narcissists?
What are the traits of people pleasers?
Afraid of being rejected or abandoned
Preoccupied about what others think and feel
Fearful of saying no, setting limits, or seeming “mean”
Strong need for the approval of others
Gets into relationships where they give more than they get
Neglectful of their own needs
Burned out trying to take care of others
Doesn’t prioritize their self-respect
Need for control
Perfectionism
How do you become a people pleaser?
This is an important question and one that is wrapped up in our own development as a child. A lack of emotional availability on the part of a parent is a big contributor to a child seeking security in closeness and connection. Even if a child has positive memories about the closeness with a parent, they may have experienced an inconsistency in emotional availability which is very confusing for a child.
A child will track a parent’s mood and check in frequently, striving to make parents proud, quieting their own needs, doing their best to be very, very good and earn their love. And so the practice of people pleasing begins. As the child grows, they become less interested in exploring who they want to be and more interested in learning how others want them to be.
People pleasers also tend to be highly sensitive people who can read a room. They can take the emotional temperature of those around them and try to avoid conflict by being extra helpful and nice. It is a way for them to maintain some control. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
What is the connection between people pleasers and Narcissists?
The people pleaser has had many years to hone their skills in order to secure love, and as they approach intimate relationships, they bring their need for secure closeness and connection with them. A Narcissist targets people who they can control and have power over. To further complicate matters, a people pleaser is so drawn to the love bombing stage that they want to protect the emotional closeness and connection at all costs. So it makes sense that this person will fall prey to a Narcissist. For me, I morphed myself into what my ex wanted me to be. I was nice, I was agreeable, I was a shape shifter. This was my way of securing love.
If you look at the narcissistic abuse cycle, we can see that this is a way to reinforce and heighten the insecurity of a people pleaser. Love Bombing - Devaluing - Hoovering - and finally Discarding (if the target has disrupted the cycle).
Coaching can help you see how your people pleasing skills are propping up the Narcissist. Please reach out if you want to take the next right step in disrupting the abuse cycle.
Follow your longing, not your fear - Glennon Doyle
