Surviving the Holidays with Toxic People

Navigating the day-to-day with a toxic partner, friend or family member is difficult and exhausting, so how do you handle an entire holiday season with this person(s)? Self-preservation is key! Here are some tips to stay out of toxic cycles!

Create spaces where you know you will experience enjoyment and peace.

Often times, a toxic partner or family member controls where you (and your family) will spend most of the time during the holidays. You may feel like you don’t have a voice in the decision. Reflect on how you want the holidays to look like. Who are you spending time with and where? Even an hour alone or with the people that bring you joy can help preserve your energy.

Change your expectations.

It’s unreasonable to expect what you know you won’t get with a toxic partner/family member. This will not be the time they hear you, see you, or change so save your energy and give yourself expectations for taking care of yourself during this time. This might be bringing your favorite food even if no one else likes it; bring your favorite music or podcast and headphones to listen to when you need space; spend 10 to 20 minutes in a quiet space with a good book.

Breathe deeply, and then respond in a calm neutral tone.

When a toxic person starts conflict with you or “baits” you into reacting, taking time to breathe creates a space so you can better respond. Once you’re calm, and your brain is out of fight or flight mode, you can give yourself permission to say that’s not a topic you will talk about. But sometimes it’s more powerful to redirect with a question. For instance, if a toxic family member starts to gossip or belittle another family member, instead of engaging in the triangulation, ask the person why it’s important for them to talk about this; or ask about an emotion you see them experiencing, like anger, and then gently ask them what might be behind their anger. This shifts the focus onto them which is not what they want. They may naturally disengage at this point or move to another, less toxic topic. 

Regulate your emotions.

When you feel in emotional distress, splash cold water on your face or put an icepack around your eyes to bring down your emotional temperature. Go outside and breathe, take a walk or run around the block to get the stress out so you can reset. Once you feel less distressed, focus on your deep breathing for 5 minutes so if you’re faced with more toxic behavior, you can better respond instead of react. Your overreaction is what the toxic person wants. Your distress is their fuel. Cut off the supply!

Set and maintain boundaries.

This can be very hard if you’re doing this for the first time. If you struggle with setting boundaries, just pick one thing that you will stand your ground on. If you have asked a toxic person to stop calling people names and they won’t respect your boundary, tell them you will leave if they continue with this mean behavior. More important than setting the boundary is actually maintaining the boundary. Following through the first time will show the person you have drawn a thick line and they no longer can cross it. Prepare ahead of time by driving your own vehicle so you can leave or have a friend or family member ready and waiting to pick you up if needed.

Visit our contact page if you want to partner with one of our coaches to plan your holiday survival strategies!